Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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