Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
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