Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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