Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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