the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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