God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Randomize
