i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
