I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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