life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
