I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
