apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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