Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
