um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Randomize
