M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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