WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
