you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
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you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
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I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize