I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
