i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
