One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
