just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
