dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
