2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
