How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
