please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
