Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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