the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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