dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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