either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
