I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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