If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
