hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
