I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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