Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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