Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
