mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
