even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
