Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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