so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
