i love accidental penises.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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