I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
