now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
