the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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