Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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