Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
