i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
