After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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