In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
