I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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