ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
