We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
