Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
God, I missed his penis.
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