My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
