My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
