Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
