I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
