You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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