Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
