I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
