i already hear my dad disowning me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
accomplished twins. life is a go
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
